Catching up...

(Insert huffing and puffing here) Man it just feels like sometimes life never stops! A brief recap, we had a wonderful albeit busy weekend. Friday night we let the kiddos hang here with their much adored cousins and bestest babysitter in the world (well at least in Ohio :) ) and we braved Fright Night at Kings Island with the sister and brother-in-law. We had a blast even if we didn't get to ride Diamondback, touted the world's best coaster but I think Sheikra at Busch Gardens, Tampa could give it a run for it's money, anyways I digress. We had a blast, it was fun to have an adults night out. Saturday we had a wonderful family morning, then Daddy headed off to the church to work for a few hours prepping for Sunday. Then the moment the kids had been waiting all year for, or at least Sweet Pea had since I let her try on her costume and she didn't want to take it off...TRICK-OR-TREATING! (Pics to come I promise, as soon as this ride slows down!) The kids all made out like a bandit as usual and my waist line is not digging all the extra candy in the house despite my insane efforts to bump up the workouts. Then Sunday, the service went beautifully and we had quite a few visitors on our second official service. Again I will reiterate that even though it's been a lot of hard-work, getting to be part of a start-up church has been so rewarding! Sunday night we were off to the pastor's parents place for a big bonfire. It's nice to start to get to know people here, it makes me miss home just a little less. Oh and thanks Mom for letting me know it was in the 30's back home, that makes me miss it even less! lol

I'm happy to say classes for school are done for another six weeks as of Thursday thankfully, I need the break. I'm still struggling with what to do with my schooling. Those who know me well know how much I LOVE medical stuff and how much I would cherish an opportunity to switch fields. But the honest truth is, right now I'm the breadwinner, the sugar mama as Daddy likes to joke and that means I have to keep my high paying technical job for now. At least until he finishes school and gets his high paying technical job. So I continue on the schooling path towards my bachelors in computer science because to stop at this point for a what-if and possibly-when would be insane and discouraging. Not only that, I truly do love the technology field as well, it is after all a "science" field. But sometimes, oh just sometimes I wish to break free from all technology and be plunged into all things medical. I'm a total geek but I'd love a career doing medical research, of course that requires an MD, PhD and I believe at least five years in the field of study. And although I wouldn't consider myself old per say, I certainly wouldn't survive all that medical school so it would be nursing or back to sonography for me. Both of which pay decent and are lucrative fields IF you have two incomes. I know God has put these challenges before me for a reason and I trust Him, even if He moves a little slow for my liking sometimes. ;) Well it's another up too late night, going to try to stay awake tomorrow via extra caffeine, kinda day gearing up for tomorrow so, so long and farewell my dust bunnies in cyberworld, 'til we meet again!

*Sorry Mom, I know you read this but I'm pretty sure your the only one who knows this exists! lol

Taking myself to the passenger seat.

It's been a rough week, work has been super busy and although little Stellan and his family are just a bunch of strangers I have never met, I feel their pain. Mckmama posted yesterday, "Please, Jesus. Please just let my baby to get better." and I can sympathize in so many ways. As she mentioned in her post today, another family in the PICU was not so lucky last evening having lost their little one. This reminds me of the times when we were in the hospital and I just wanted to scream and cry because my baby was sick and we didn't know what was wrong with her or how to fix it yet. All I could think of is "why me?", "why us?", "what did we do to deserve this?" And just when I thought I could take no more I went to the family lounge, where I overheard a conversation between a family who had flown from faraway places to be in that very hospital to see the best surgeons. I can tell you that they were faced with far larger problems then we had been facing with Alexis. When they moved us out the next morning from the single PICU room to the quad room, they had brought in a newborn who had been medflighted, the mother had just delivered and her baby was in very critical condition, he didn’t even have a name yet and they were prepping him for his first surgery. And as I held my sleeping Sweet Pea, her problems suddenly felt much smaller. Just when I was shouting "God how much more can I take" He opened my eyes and showed me that although I think it's just me going through this, there are far graver things happening around me and I should count my blessings. As I've said before, the experience with Sweet Pea has changed me, in some ways I can't even explain. It allows me to talk about stopping and restarting her heart with ease, it keeps me sane as I study the latest and greatest ablation technology, it keeps me from crumbling when I just want to lay down and cry during her episodes and it reminds me of just how lucky I am…we are…she is.

You know, so many times in our lives we put the blinders on, we walk around as if the world revolves around us. When things go wrong we shake our fists at God and ask WHY! And even those times we don't realize we are doing it, we do. So many times I want to take the wheel and drive this life myself thinking I know what's best...but I don't. It was a warm summer day driving down a highway in Florida when it suddenly hit me, I can't do this by myself, I need help! So many things have gone so "wrong" in my life, my family’s life and we continued to struggle against them. But I was tired, tired of struggling, tired of not knowing the "right" thing to do. Then it hit me, I don't have to know. See when I start to look back I can see the signs, they were there all along I just missed the exit. Just like sitting in the PICU room that morning while my Sweet Pea was sleeping peaceful in my arms and that tiny baby came in far closer to death than we had been 12 hours prior, that was a sign. Every time I've asked God (as if I have the right to ask) "how much more can I possibly take", He answers! He answers with a view into something someone else is battling far worse. And for that I am grateful, I'm grateful that He trusts me, trusts us enough to take care of Sweet Pea. He has great faith in our abilities, He is always guiding us but we have to let him take the wheel so we don’t miss the exits. And as terrifying as that is sometimes it's also liberating. I don’t always have to know the right thing, I just have to listen when He speaks.

So this has been a tough week. A week of hard work and reflection. A week of great prayer for someone I don't even really know. A week of emotion I didn't even know I still carried. It was a reminder that although I think the world revolves around me, it doesn't. I need to be thankful for the days I have to work long hours because it means I have a job. I have to be thankful for the days I'm so tired because the kids kept me up because it means I have kids to keep me up. I have to be thankful to have to know all sorts of medical terminology and to own a stethoscope, and a pulseox, and to know how to perform vagals because they all mean that we were grateful enough to not lose Sweet Pea that pivitol morning that I wasn't sure she would survive. I have to be thankful for having a great God that is guiding me and I HAVE to remember to take myself to the passenger seat. Thank you!

Memories...

Memories can be good and they can be bad or somewhere in-between.  I often like to reminisce about days past, remembering the good times and trying to avoid the bad ones.  I've been following the story of a heart baby that has a condition similar but far worse than our little Sweet Pea and I find out this morning here that the poor little guy is in SVT again and in some rough shape and that brings back so many memories.

Reading that post and seeing those pictures reminds me all too much of the time we spent in the PICU at that very hospital.  I can almost smell the rubbing alcohol, hear the beeping and feel the dread in my heart all over again.  I'm tearing up just thinking about it all.  I remember that evening when I knew something was wrong and will never forgive myself for not taking Sweet Pea in sooner even though I knew I should.  I remember waking in the morning and seeing what the ER doctor referred to as a "smurf" laying beside me.  I remember praying it was something simple on the way to the hospital and knowing deep down it wasn't.  I remember walking into the ER and being called back only to be plunged into a real life episode of ER.  I remember hearing paddles and helicopters and flat lining as my head swirled with thoughts of what, I don't even know.  The numerous nurses were holding down my screaming two week old baby poking, poking, poking trying to get an IV in.  Then the DR in the midst of this nightmare looks me in the eye and says "she's screaming, that's good, that means she's a fighter" and that's when it hit me, those words "she's a fighter" it suddenly dawned on me.  When all the flashing lights and beeping sounds and medical personnel running around frantic didn't hit home those words did, I knew then she had something she was fighting against and that terrified me.  This wasn't a broken arm or a terrible case of pneumonia, this was a fight against death, it was horrifying at that moment to feel so truly small and helpless.  Then the DR again calls out and tells me "mom don't worry, we are going to give her medicine that will stop her heart, she will flat line and that's okay, that's good, that's what we want and trust me" and I had no choice but to trust her.  At that moment our lives forever changed as we set out on Sweet Pea's Heart Journey. 

We are fortunate to be on the other side of things now, Sweet Pea has had an annual episode the last three September/Octobers but that's it.  Long gone are the days of trying to keep her out of SVT for a week, then a month, then two months.  We get to go yearly, what a blessing that is!  It was a long, rough road with many bumps along the way.  We all changed in some form or another in our family.  I spent many nights angry at my helplessness and angry at the drs for not being able to cure her and angry at God for putting us through this.  One night in her hospital room I sat in silent prayer and asked for clarity and peace and you know what...I got it.  I can't say what "it" was but I got "it" nonetheless and I have been forever changed.  We as a family have learned to rely upon God our maker in times we can't understand, in times we want to control, in times of fear and times of hope.  He has always guided our way with light even when there were bumps along the way.  Each challenge has presented a new opportunity for us to learn and grow.  Now as a control freak I hate it, I hate having to give control to someone else and I hate having to rely upon someone because of my severe need for independence.  But He has never failed us, He has always provided and as long as we trust in Him he will continue to do so.  I now hope and pray for the peace and guidance for other families going through the thick of things, be it heart issues, cancer or what not, I just pray that they too can get "it" and can look back one day fondly on that defining moment in time as I now do.  Thank you God for the opportunities you have given and continue to give and I pray that I continue to get "it" and keep "it".

Family Time

What a truly wonderful weekend spent with family. Saturday I got to sleep in (thank you baby) and we spent a wonderful morning and afternoon as a family. We carved pumpkins into fun shapes as the kids watched patiently (yeah right!) Daddy had to work at work at church Saturday night so he left at 5pm and was gone until 10pm which gave the kids and I some much needed downtime together. We watched Polar Express (an absolute favorite in our house) and snuggled on the couch. After the movie was over it was bedtime and the kids complied with minimal whining which is always a treat. We read stories together in Little Man's room, said prayers and tucked him in and then sweet pea's turn and both drifted off to sleep without nary a peep. I set off downstairs and proceeded to watch my ever growing list of DVR'd shows that Daddy doesn't particularly care to watch. Although I really missed having him next to me it was nice to get a little alone time. I should've really been doing homework but I was being lazy.




Sunday was our launch service at church, how exciting it is to be a part of the beginning! The sermon was awesome as I knew it would be and it just felt right to be there with all those people, they truly feel like family. We had a pretty good turn out and are hoping to just keep growing from here, God is good! Sunday afternoon was relaxing, I got to take a nap with a much tired Sweet Pea which is always nice in theory except...she started out in our room with me but wouldn't stop wiggling so I had to put her in her bed where she promptly feel asleep after five minutes, go figure. I miss the days of snuggling up with her but she is her mother's daughter and every bit as painfully independent as I'm sure I was at that age. For dinner Daddy cooked up some really yummy tilapia which was great since it was our first time cooking it and first runs don't always turn out. After that Little Man and I went to the grocery store and picked up goodies to make cupcakes and homemade butter cream frosting. Of course upon coming home we discover we only have one muffin tin that has six spots so we compromised and made six cupcakes and two cakes instead. After the cupcakes cooled we gave one to each of the kids along with some of the aforementioned homemade icing dyed orange for the season, they had a blast decorating and then eating their cupcakes. Then to top the evening off the kiddos adorned their costumes for a very special skype date with Grandma. Nothing brings out the love and craziness in our kiddos but the love of seeing Grandma on skype! As always it was a wonderful, special, hectic time that we all cherish when we get the chance, love you Mom and miss you! Ah yes, a wonderful weekend with family indeed.

That time of year, faith and learning...

Well it's another rainy day here in Ohio and it's that time of year I guess when there are more sick days than well days in our house. Even Daddy is sounding rather sick, no fun to say the least. Of course this all comes right before the chruch's launch service this Sunday, hopefully we'll all be well by Sunday and won't share any of our germs with anyone else! We read an article about our pastor and church in the local newspaper last night and we could not be more proud to be invovled in such a wonderful church and an exciting adventure! We pray for guidance this weekend as we have no idea what to expect. But we know that He will lead us in whatever way he sees fit and that's pretty darn comforting.

Why does it seem when you have kids time starts to tick off much faster then previously? Last night while putting Little Man to bed he informed me that he no longer likes Noggin, when asked why he said it's for preschoolers. See I guess when your in 1st grade it's just a little bit beneath you to still like Noggin, I had no idea and thus begins the tradition of cluelessness!

Also, last night Daddy and I made our first ever batch of homemade granola and although the receipe could use a little tweaking it's pretty darn good. I of course pilfered it from someone else, I'm definitely not creative enough to come up with it myself. We've been trying to incorporate more healthy things in our meals and it's been successful so far. We have a few great creations we have decided on for the next weeks dinners, should be interesting to see if get a thumbs up or down from the kids.

All in all, I'm glad it's Friday and can't wait to get the weekend started. Thank you God for yet another week, day, hour and minute in paradise! We know You never give us more than we can handle and we thank You for the faith in our abilities and pray that we too can have faith in them.

Fall is blissfully simple...

I love fall because there is something so simple and calming about it. Everything and everyone starts to slow down from the crazy summer. There's something so peaceful about watching a fire in the fireplace while the leaves gently glide down from the trees. It really makes me stop and reflect on all that I have and stop focusing on all that I do not. We've been truly blessed with two mostly healthy children and a wonderful house, one of us with a good job, the other an opportunity to go to school and wonderful family and friends as well. We've hopped on for a wild ride with a church just launching in our area. It's an amazingly terrifying experience and we are just helping, I can hardly imagine what our pastor and his family are going through. I pray that God continues to carry and guide them through this process and that he uses us to the best of our abilities to help ease the load. I had no idea what all would go into such a simple pleasure as attending church and to be on the inside is truly amazing. Thank you God for giving us this unique opportunity!

We are getting ready to gear up for the holidays and I couldn't be more pleased, I can almost smell the pumpkin pie baking!!! Each year around this time I long for the laughter of family gathered around a well dressed table of goodies. The delight of just being together and sharing our lives which doesn't happen often enough in our day to day life. But I'm also sad as well because I long for the friends and family back home. We have started our own family traditions but I fondly remember the times as a child gathered at my grandparents house. The times we all got together and ate until we couldn't eat anymore, the guys retired to the living room to watch football, the girls stayed in the kitchen to talk. It was better the guys weren't there because they surely wouldn't get a word in edgewise if they stayed! Sometimes, just sometimes it would even start to flurry outside as we gathered. Yes fall is blissfully simple...

Tuesday, tuesday...

I love long weekends, there always seems to be so much fun to be had. Maybe it's because you have more fun time left over after all the errand running or maybe it's just becuase it's longer, either way it's just more fun if you ask me. As my husband said this morning, why can't we have 3 day weekends and 4 day workweeks? I wonder the very same thing. :)

So this weekend was nothing short of spectacular, so many fun things and so little time to write. Little Man gave up the training wheels on his bike. He's been riding his bike with the training wheels barely touching for awhile now but he was just not ready to let the security of them go. He kept saying "maybe when I'm 6", well he'll be 6 on Thursday (still seems sureal that he'll be 6) so on a whim we decided to try to get him to take them off. It was Saturday and in we decided to go for a bike ride to the park. As we started out we asked him if we should take his training wheels off with the intention of taking them off when we got to the trail that leads to the park. At first he said no and started to fuss about it but a few minutes into the ride he asked to have them removed to both our shock and amazement he took right to the bike. It was a little rocky at first but in a flash he was off and riding like a champ. Both Daddy and I were so proud we were near tears. There is just something about seeing him taking off on his bike for the first time, I don't know it's indescribable.

Then there is Sweet Pea, who is cute, funny and ornery all at the same time! She is such a sweetheart but has an attitude all her own, I guess you could say she is spirited (much like I was as a child, so I'm told). She's doing great on potty training and I couldn't be more proud. We finally took out the princess panties for her to wear and although she's having an issue with getting the bm's in the potty the rest is done. Hopefully soon we'll be all finished with that. It amazes me how fast they both learn things. We've also been working on getting her to go to sleep on her own again. She used to be such a champ at that, we'd read some stories, give her a kiss, say goodnight and all was well with the world. But a few months back brought an ear infection and that turned her world upside down so we've been slowly working on getting her back to sleeping well again. She is still not real happy about it all but she is going to sleep on her own again, thankfully.

I have been exhausted to say the least. Between work with all it's deadlines and no real clear work direction, my thyroid needing rebalancing and Sweet Pea not sleeping...I have been less than a functioning human being on many an occassion as of late. Add on top of all that the worst seasonal allergies I've ever experienced and sometimes I just want to runaway from it all. This morning was one of those not so shining moments as a mom. The morning started great, Sweet Pea slept all night, I woke up the first time the alarm went off and got in the shower at a decent hour and I was actually going to be ready in time to almost catch the early bus I like to catch. Then slowly like a knitted blanket things started to unravel. First I hadn't taken my coffee cup out of my work bag so it didn't get washed or filled with the fresh brew I need to get started in the morning. Then, since I got up and going so early I was determined to make it to the gym on lunch but couldn't locate my tennis shoes. Followed by not being able to find my sweater I wear on the bus because all bus drivers think they are touting around eskimos. Then we finally all clatter into the car and it begins. Any mommy knows what I'm about to say here.

Sweet Pea: "I'm hungry!"

Mommy: "It's okay sweetie, you'll get cereal when you get home."

Sweet Pea: "I'm thirsty!"

Mommy: "I'm sorry, I don't have anything for you, you'll get something when you get home."

Sweet Pea begins screaming and crying. Daddy in an attempt to redirect askes if she can sing her ABC's with a resounding "no". He quickly follows with an, "okay how about Twinkle, Twinkle" and again "no". So he starts to sing anyways which puts her over the edge. Now since she's really mad, Little Man thinks it's funny and decides to start singing as well to continue to egg her on, not sure why this is so appealing but it must be a sibling thing. So by now all heck has broke loose in our van this very early morning. I try the, turn the radio up to drowned out the screaming trick, which sometimes works but not today. Then I give up and finally yell, "ENOUGH!" becuase...well...I had, had enough. This is the moment when she begins to cry and I felt like the worst mother on the planet. I suddenly want to shrink into non-existance or runaway even though I know I can't. This is when it suddenly feels like everyone else can do this right but maybe I'm not cut out for it. Daddy tries to reassure me that all is okay but as a mommy it should be my job to be forever patient, to know the right things to say when and to always keep my cool. Today I failed at my ideal mommy job and I feel awful and horrible and wish I could take it all back. But I also know after a few years of experience that this too shall pass. And as my favorite saying goes, "20 years from now they won't be sitting in a pshychologists office saying, "It all started when mommy (fill in the blank)...". So here's to a better rest of Tuesday and hopefully no lasting emotional scars.

Here we go again...

I know, I know, my diary as a little girl looked much like this, start/stop/start. It's like I have so many things I want to say and keep track off that it feels so overwhelming sometimes so instead of finding a way to organize it in my head I just ignore it all together. I do that in life sometimes also, if things feel all too overwhelming I just sort of shut down. I try not to and don't always realize I'm doing it but I still do it sometimes. Guess bad habits die hard. So I'm going to make it point to try to blog at least once a week just so I can get all that's in my head out, or maybe not all of it but at least some and then I can sort through the rest later. So here goes...

Well today is Friday, before labor day weekend so we get early release at work which means we get to leave 2 hours before our appointed leave time. Yay! Thankfully since I'm so unmotivated to work today it's not even funny. Then there was the coffee issue. I had forgetten to grab breakfast this morning so I decided to run to the bagel shop downstairs. They usually have a flavor of the day coffee and I always see it but never try it. It's usually something yummy like caramel truffle, chocolate macademia nut or something of the like. So it's Friday, I'm feeling unmotivated and I'm already going to carbo load on a bagel and I figure why not, "add a large coffee to my order please", I say to the girl ringing me up. I grab my cup, turn around with anticipation similar to that of Christmas and then I see it, the flavor of the day. The flavor of the day today is blueberry cobbler, really, blueberry cobbler? So who was sitting around thinking one day, "you know a great flavor of coffee I haven't see yet...blueberry cobbler". It's almost akin to cherry covered cheesecake flavor. Now don't get me wrong, I love blueberry cobbler and most definitely love cherry cheesecake but I prefer to eat those edibles instead of drinking them. Hmm, oh well at least it's Friday before a long weekend and I have early release to look forward to!