Memories...

Memories can be good and they can be bad or somewhere in-between.  I often like to reminisce about days past, remembering the good times and trying to avoid the bad ones.  I've been following the story of a heart baby that has a condition similar but far worse than our little Sweet Pea and I find out this morning here that the poor little guy is in SVT again and in some rough shape and that brings back so many memories.

Reading that post and seeing those pictures reminds me all too much of the time we spent in the PICU at that very hospital.  I can almost smell the rubbing alcohol, hear the beeping and feel the dread in my heart all over again.  I'm tearing up just thinking about it all.  I remember that evening when I knew something was wrong and will never forgive myself for not taking Sweet Pea in sooner even though I knew I should.  I remember waking in the morning and seeing what the ER doctor referred to as a "smurf" laying beside me.  I remember praying it was something simple on the way to the hospital and knowing deep down it wasn't.  I remember walking into the ER and being called back only to be plunged into a real life episode of ER.  I remember hearing paddles and helicopters and flat lining as my head swirled with thoughts of what, I don't even know.  The numerous nurses were holding down my screaming two week old baby poking, poking, poking trying to get an IV in.  Then the DR in the midst of this nightmare looks me in the eye and says "she's screaming, that's good, that means she's a fighter" and that's when it hit me, those words "she's a fighter" it suddenly dawned on me.  When all the flashing lights and beeping sounds and medical personnel running around frantic didn't hit home those words did, I knew then she had something she was fighting against and that terrified me.  This wasn't a broken arm or a terrible case of pneumonia, this was a fight against death, it was horrifying at that moment to feel so truly small and helpless.  Then the DR again calls out and tells me "mom don't worry, we are going to give her medicine that will stop her heart, she will flat line and that's okay, that's good, that's what we want and trust me" and I had no choice but to trust her.  At that moment our lives forever changed as we set out on Sweet Pea's Heart Journey. 

We are fortunate to be on the other side of things now, Sweet Pea has had an annual episode the last three September/Octobers but that's it.  Long gone are the days of trying to keep her out of SVT for a week, then a month, then two months.  We get to go yearly, what a blessing that is!  It was a long, rough road with many bumps along the way.  We all changed in some form or another in our family.  I spent many nights angry at my helplessness and angry at the drs for not being able to cure her and angry at God for putting us through this.  One night in her hospital room I sat in silent prayer and asked for clarity and peace and you know what...I got it.  I can't say what "it" was but I got "it" nonetheless and I have been forever changed.  We as a family have learned to rely upon God our maker in times we can't understand, in times we want to control, in times of fear and times of hope.  He has always guided our way with light even when there were bumps along the way.  Each challenge has presented a new opportunity for us to learn and grow.  Now as a control freak I hate it, I hate having to give control to someone else and I hate having to rely upon someone because of my severe need for independence.  But He has never failed us, He has always provided and as long as we trust in Him he will continue to do so.  I now hope and pray for the peace and guidance for other families going through the thick of things, be it heart issues, cancer or what not, I just pray that they too can get "it" and can look back one day fondly on that defining moment in time as I now do.  Thank you God for the opportunities you have given and continue to give and I pray that I continue to get "it" and keep "it".